Loneliness

Lonliness. This was the main reason why I never wanted to leave Melbourne. I am almost friend-less. Most of my hommies are elsewhere, save one or two who are also busy with their lives, and my other close friends are all over there. My social circle needs to be built from scratch again. All the initial superficiality before finding that person whom will click with me is so tedious.

Sometimes I wonder, is it right to feel this way in a family of six? Where the house is filled with noise most of the time? Where so much love and care fills the air and floats out of the windows? It's like watching colourful helium balloons float towards the heavens while asking myself "Why is the sky so empty?"

I guess it isn't wrong. Humans are, afterall, social creatures who probably can't settle socializing with the same five people day in and day out. I also need peers who can communicate with me on an equal level, challenge my ideals and at the same time understand my feelings. Otherwise the contents of my mind might just turn into intellectual mush. All that was in Melbourne, but all that just doesn't seem to be here.

Maybe expecting to find what I found in Melbourne over here was an overly high expectation. I was a leader over there, or as Neil Strauss would call it, an alpha-male. Kel would talk to me about his uni to work transition. Joon would ask for advice and girls. Jel would blab about how cute Pav is and how important I was to her at that point in time. Am would try to eat more than me and say "Shush!" or "Bloody hell!" when we call her a pig. Lisa would just sit there as verbal target practice. Shar would be a talking irony with her cartoons, hamsters, love life and ambitions. Cindy would be there justifying all the actions of other people that have somehow peeved me off. Conversations with Hendry about money, relationships and life would be endless. All this and more... just cannot seem to be found here.

To put it bluntly, I feel like a nobody over here. A nobody who has nobody. I have met people, but people whom are on different wavelengths or people whom only talk on business terms. I have called people, but people who never seem to call back as I wait for my phone to ring. Maybe it takes time. Maybe it takes more effort. Maybe it takes more resillience against the sickening superficialities of people whom are just trying to seem nice and entertaining. But before the time passes, before I get to put in more effort, before I meet more initially-superficial friends, I sit here and enshroud myself in memories of all the goodtimes I had back in Melbourne, appreciating everyone back there even more, let the tears drop on my keyboard, and forget how hard it is to make good friends.